Meghan

Change

Change happens. This we all know. For me, my absence from this blog is directly related to the changes happening in my life. Since I last wrote, I have stopped teaching in Myanmar, returned to volunteering in Thailand, had extended visits with both my and Todd’s families, swam in cold mountain lakes, stared down deep glacial crevasses, sang “Pink Houses” (more than once), swung a toddler around while she screamed with excitement, cried, laughed, and lost my aunt Ellen to cancer and my desire to write in this blog, among many many other things.

Losing Esme still looms large in my life. It’s hard to accept that my 13-year-old sister is dead, and that all the fun things, conversations, and experiences I hoped to share with her as she grew up have had their final chapter. Although I continue to think of her, and speak to her, the interaction is gone, the conversation is now always one-sided. On top of that is the difficulty accepting the way of her passing, the brutality, the senselessness, the horror that such an experience happened to a beloved sister, and seeing my father and his wife, my brother and other sister, and all of our great family so hurt by this searing loss.

Of course, laughter can come even amidst tears. Lightness and sorrow intermingle, taking turns in the heart. On a moment-to-moment level, the heart and mind does not dwell unrelentingly on one thing all the time, and at times even our sadness can become the object of gentle reflective humor. I remember laughing at Esme’s memorial service at the absurdity of all the tissues we were consuming. It was funny, even though the tears were still there. How relieved I was to be with my family, even as my heart was breaking with the reason for our being together, and the gaping hole caused by Esme’s absence. Often this capability for laughter in the midst of heavy sadness surprises me, yet perhaps it is an indication of that “indomitable” nature of the Kenneys, that our spirits can not be permanently kept down. Indeed we have Esme as an example, for I never saw her get upset for very long, and her spirit was not made to be depressed. Still, the heavy thoughts persist, the hole is still there, and it takes more than just humor and forgetfulness to work with them.

The platitudes thrown about at times like these: “This too shall pass,” “Life goes on,” and “Time heals all wounds,” have their basic truth about them, and yet to simply wait numbly, allowing mere distance from the event to dull the sting, is too disengaged for me. On the other hand, to cling to the pain, indulge in misery, and refuse to recover out of the fear that to recover would somehow mean I didn’t value or love Esme, that I also see is not the answer. Another platitude, “Esme wouldn’t want us to suffer and be unhappy,” is one that I see the basic truth to, yet I also know my sister, and I know that she would want to be thought about, remembered, and kept fresh in our hearts. In addition, there is the fact that our family is not alone; indeed it seems like frequently there is another story in the news about another family shattered by murder. So I try to honor Esme by remembering her in as many ways as possible, and also to spread out my awareness and love to all the other people in the world who are hurt by the loss of a loved one. I try to take up the challenge spoken in the memorial service, to see the darkness in the world, and respond not with more darkness, but by making the effort to create and spread as much light as possible, in memory of my sister, and all those lost to violence. Indeed what other response is possible?

The poem read at Esme’s memorial service, “Kindness” by Naomi Shihab Nye, really speaks to this.  And so I put it here in full, for inspiration to any others who read it, and I’ll try to practice it, spreading kindness as I can, even if it’s just by giving someone a caring, Esme-inspired smile.

Kindness

by Naomi Shihab Nye

 

Before you know what kindness really is

you must lose things,

feel the future dissolve in a moment

like salt in a weakened broth.

What you held in your hand,

what you counted and carefully saved,

all this must go so you know

how desolate the landscape can be

between the regions of kindness.

How you ride and ride

thinking the bus will never stop,

the passengers eating maize and chicken

will stare out the window forever.

 

Before you learn the tender gravity of kindness,

you must travel where the Indian in a white poncho

lies dead by the side of the road.

You must see how this could be you,

how he too was someone

who journeyed through the night with plans

and the simple breath that kept him alive.

 

Before you know kindness as the deepest thing inside,

you must know sorrow as the other deepest thing.

You must wake up with sorrow.

You must speak to it till your voice

catches the thread of all sorrows

and you see the size of the cloth.

 

Then it is only kindness that makes sense anymore,

only kindness that ties your shoes

and sends you out into the day to mail letters and

purchase bread,

only kindness that raises its head

from the crowd of the world to say

it is I you have been looking for,

and then goes with you everywhere

like a shadow or a friend.

Smiling at Crater Lake

Snapshots

Yoga with Joni

It's been a while since I've written, and in keeping with my recent loss of words, I will be using a few snapshots rather than lots of text to give some ideas about the past few weeks.

School ended (sorry no photos), which was a lovely time, although difficult to say goodbye. It was great to be able to have a good ending, rather than the truncated one from last year due to the cyclone. My students were very positive about their year, and about their upcoming transition to 6th grade.

We made our final shopping run to visit one last time with our regular fruit and vegetable sellers. These ladies were great, and there have been many laughs over the past three years. No more giggling at Todd's attempts to say basil in Myanmar!

Saying good bye to the fruit lady

Saying goodbye to the veg ladies

Finally we made it back to Koh Pahngan (with a lot of luggage!). We went on some excursions (see bike photos), did some yoga (with Joni the dog nearby), and are now working at the Wat.

On a morning bike ride

In the evenings we had a project to make a quilt square for the Esme memorial quilt. Our design is a star, just as Esme was a star, and it's an 8-fold star, for the Buddhist 8 fold path. We also included pieces of one of Esme's old shirts, just as quilts as old used to incorporate old clothes. It was nice to make her a part of the quilt, yet hard to cut up her shirt, knowing she won't wear it ever again.

Cutting cutting

 

Making a quilt square from Esme's shirt

The quilt square design

Now a retreat begins, so I will be busy. I hope all of you are well.

Take care, Meghan

A Suitable Place

Teddy 4

When we were in Cincinnati, the memorial out front of my Dad's house had many stuffed animals that people had left behind as a tribute to Esme. Before we left I had offered to take care of some of those stuffed animals, and make sure they found a home, rather than just decaying in front of the house. Some of those animals we ended up taking back with us to Myanmar, and now you can see the home we found for them.

These pictures are from an orphanage that we have visited every year for three years. This is the first time we've brought any stuffed animals, and I have a feeling that this is the first time any of the children have ever had stuffed animals. When we gave them out, they were passed around to everyone, including the teenagers and adults. Everyone wanted to hold them, and look at them. Stuffed animals these days are so soft, so nice, and the children were obviously happy to get them. Afterward, I'd wished that I'd brought all of them back with us. No one here worries about dust mites, and possible sanitation issues, all blocks towards donating these somewhere in the United States.

It's always wonderful to go out to these orphanages, because they are out of Yangon, in the country. Life seems poor, but cleaner, more wholesome, than what we see in the city. The children are a family, and they are learning about sustainable living, how to support themselves, in ways that aren't really available to city children.

Revisiting old friends

It's great to be able to revisit some children we've already seen before. This building of a connection is one we hope will continue even after we've left the school The students love going out to these orphanages, and so hopefully they will continue to make these visits happen, year after year. Here are two pictures, one is from last year (below), and one is from this year (right). It's the same girl! Look at how she's changed, and how nice to see her again. Hopefully we can come back again some day, and keep the connection going.

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A time to grieve...

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As many of you know, recently my beloved baby sister, a beautiful girl named Esme  Kenney, was murdered. It's a harsh word, murder, particularly harsh when thinking of it at the same time that I think of Esme, a kind, fun, lively girl with a great heart and who was a friend to all.

When we found out, Todd and I flew home immediately to be with family, and to be a part of the grieving process, both giving and receiving solace from those who knew and loved her best.  Although our hearts felt as though they had been smashed to pieces, our family unity during this time proved that we still have love in our hearts for each other, and that through this tragedy we are closer and stronger than ever.

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Having been raised in a very non-spiritual environment, it's amazing how many of us had developed ways to take spiritual comfort. From creating beautiful altars to honor our girl, to holding hands and sending her our love and support, to favorite sing alongs, dancing, reading stories, and sharing memories and pictures, we found ways to support each other with this huge pain that we all felt deep in our hearts.  We even had a yoga session, joined by Franny's little Gabby and Sonja.

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There were some powerful moments along the way, such as seeing the site where she was abducted and also the place in the woods where she was found, and feeling the coldness and pain pervading those places. Then later, after many healing practices, feeling the burden lessen, and a stronger sense of love than of pain. Feeling, whether it was simply memory or an actual presence, her snuggling in close to me as Franny read us a story at the site. Finding strands of her hair merged in the dirt and charred leaves, a potent reminder of the struggle and horror that had happened to her, and yet then hearing the jingling of wind chimes when there was no breeze, as though she sought to connect with us, be with us, one more time. And the serendipity of revisiting the cemetery where her family last saw her body, and hearing off in the distance a bagpipe rendition of Amazing Grace, which moved all of us to tears with its beauty and poignancy.
 

We love our baby girl, and we love each other also. We know that we are in pain, and we know that our family is very important to us. Hopefully our memory of Esme will help us to always honor and stand by those family connections, and we will try to live our lives with some of the openness, friendliness, and joy that made our girl so special

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If you haven't read Brian's eulogy, or my Dad and Lisa's check the following links.

Brian's Blog
Dad and Lisa's Eulogy

If you would like to look at more pics of Esme, you can send me a message.

A Eulogy for Esme

Hi,

I don't have much time, and yet I know many of you are thinking about my sister and what happened to her. Thanks for everyone's support. Please go to my brother's blog for the eulogy we wrote together with my cousin Brad.

 Brian's Blog

Sorry if you're in Myanmar, you probably won't be able to view it.

Meghan

Off to jail with you!

No time to write, but I would like to show some photos from our recent fun fair, and the 5th grade jail! Enjoy, and check out the rickety ferris wheel in the background (way too fast), and my student's stunning gold dress, just the outfit for a day of games...

Before it started

Here we see my student Susan, fellow 5th grade teacher Amanda, and her assitant Ngu War

As it gets busy

From the inside

Here they are serving their time. It was only for 5 minutes. Not too bad a term, and we even gave them a bench.

Painting Day

How to clean rollers

Ready to go

It's been a whirlwind few weeks, as teaching gets rolling again. Todd and I have been busy getting back in the classroom, as well as with Todd's community service project to paint the local school. This school is right behind our elementary school, and the contrast is pretty significant. The classrooms are fairly barren, with virtually no school supplies to speak of, and it's also quite run down. Last quarter I'd sponsored a fundraiser and supplies collection in the elementary school for them, and now Todd's club got together with many teachers and students and painted the exterior of the school.

The painting scene

Generosity in Myanmar is beautiful, one of the truly special aspects of their culture. Often Todd and I have run into people we know at restaurants, and when we go to pay our bill we find that they have paid it for us! When a project like the painting happens, parents will pay for all the paint, and their kids give their entire Saturdays to help us do it (actually two Saturdays!). We had students from Elementary, Middle, High, and even a graduate, along with several teachers from our school and local children from the community. We even had one Myanmar man who walked past, liked what we were doing and decided to join in and help.

Working together

It's a great experience for our students, most of whom have never worked at anything even remotely as physical as this. They were painting side by side with kids from the local school and their teachers, all doing it to help others. We had a great time, and the school looks awesome. The principal was quite grateful, and got so carried away with painting that next thing we knew all the clay pots had been painted a fresh minty green as well.

Taking a break

Take care everyone!
Meghan

Good job everyone

Safety first

 

Surprises

It seems as though every time I go to write in my blog, it's been a while since I last wrote. What can I say, sometimes these things just take a while. In my life as a teacher, so much of my time is focused on either prepping for teaching, reflecting on teaching already done, or considering the results of teaching for my students. Sometimes doing extra writing after so much thinking just drops off the priority list.

However I do appreciate all those people who visit the blog, and are interested in what we do. I suppose as our time in Myanmar starts to draw to a close (this is our last year teaching here), it will be interesting to see how life changes. So much of what I write about has to do with my school world, yet when holidays approach, suddenly other aspects of life do as well, and even occasionally, some surprises.

My Aunt Sue, who was diagnosed with lung cancer some 18 months ago, has died. Not an expected death after a long battle with cancer, but a relatively surprising death which was the result of the damage done from her treatments, rather than the disease itself (she was actually in remission).

Sue in canada

With Brad and Jim

Now I love my family, both immediate and extended family. I enjoy seeing relatives from both my mother and my father's side, and am grateful for all of their support. However there is no doubt that there is one family that was closer to us than any other, and that was my uncle Jim's. My father and his brother Jim were close in age, and throughout my childhood our families frequently visited each other. My cousins, Nikki and Brad, were one year older and one year younger than me, and our playtime included extremely memorable activities, both for me and for many other family members who remember Cynthia Gravely, the littlest turkey, and extreme marathons of trivial pursuit and general giggling. Aunt Sue was their mother, and was a quiet, loving family figure whose sense of humor used to surprise me into laughter, and listening skills would prompt me into heartfelt conversations.

Christmas Walk

To know that this family figure had died, was to know that family members deeply connected to myself were in pain, and I wanted to be there to help, love, and show support. Normally this would mean that I can only send condolences, as my job and location generally preclude an easy trip home. But this is my winter break, so instead of staying in Thailand and working on the house, I'm in Cleveland with Brad and Jim, just being with them at this difficult time and providing support. We have had a lovely Christmas together in spite of the loss, and it's a great chance to see how families pull together and can bring joy in the midst of sadness.

To see Sue's obituary, go to this web page.

Much love to all,
Meghan

With Esme at Lake Erie

 

 

Revisiting Oberlin

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

The Bungalow

Todd and I had the good fortune to have a four day weekend over Thanksgiving, just like the folks back home. We celebrated it in a most unexpected way. On our trip the the orphanage the weekend before, and old student of both mine and Todd's invited us to go with her family to Ngwesaung, the local lovely beach (only 130 miles away, about 7 1/2 hours!). Her family rented a 24 seat bus, but only used about 12 seats, and so invited us to come with them. After much considering (I actually had a lot of work to do that weekend), we decided to join them, and even splurge on a nice ocean view bungalow at the resort they were staying at (I include pictures of the bungalow as a part of the continuing effort to show the people back home that life in Myanmar is not all just roughing it...).

Karaoke

After a ride filled with riddles and songs and lots of bouncing on a very bad road, we arrived to an absolutely gorgeous beach with...waves! Well we had a great time teaching the family a few tricks about body surfing, and then shared a great meal with them. It wasn't turkey, but to be quite honest, it was still absolutely delicious. At times there were some funny similarities to my own traditional Thanksgiving, as they all like to singalong together also! The only difference was that we did it in front of a TV with microphones, Karaoke! Never before did I get to sing Mamma Mia at Thanksgiving...We also played sports, ultimate frisbee, Myanmar tag, and took some walks along the beach. Quite a nice Thanksgiving, and thank you so much to Emily's lovely family for having us along.

Life outside the beach has certainly been sobering, and we've been discussing it in class today with my kids. The terrible attack in India, the shocking closure of the Bangkok airport because of protests. The Bangkok closure has worried many teachers since there is no way overland out of Myanmar, and Bangkok is the main outlet for flights out of Yangon. So the world goes on, with difficulties around every corner. Even just on the ride back, as I looked at the poverty of the people we passed in our air conditioned bus, people carrying huge loads out in the blistering heat, children hauling sticks while walking through mud, I was amazed that I have such good fortune to be able to enjoy such a beautiful and relaxing holiday with Todd and a beautiful Myanmar family. I truly do give thanks for my incredible good fortune, and for also knowing that I try not to take it for granted, that I try not to turn my back on the difficulties in the world, and that I even try to give back in my own ways.

The family

Happy thanksgiving to all, take care!

love, Meghan

Todd at the pool

International Day

Hi all,

International day was last week, and here are a few photos (that's Ms. Mon Mon, my assistant in two of them btw).

At the parade

Often as a teacher I can go for long stretches where it's just me and my classroom, this small group of 23 kids, my assistant Mon Mon, and myself. It can be a very small world, not too integrated with the rest of the school. It's important time together of course, and it's what makes us bond as a class, but I love those times when I get to see how being at the school is being a a part of something bigger, a community. That's why I love international day.

With students

On this day, students, parents and teachers get dressed up in their national costume (well most of us, for me it was red and blue), set up booths for different countries, and have a parade to celebrate all the different nationalities at the school. While we don't really have the international community that some schools do, we did have around 15 different countries in the parade. Parents and teachers come together to create the booths and share their cultures with visitors, and it's just generally a good time. There's even performances, my favorite by far being the bollywood performance by our Indian students. There's lots of food, and everyone REALLY enjoys that part.

I worked at the USA booth, helping students play a game to locate all the states in the U.S. Let's just say that's not easy (we have 50 after all), there was a lot of "it's north of Texas!" and "it's one of the little ones in the northeast!". Students got stars and stripes painted on their faces, play pin the tail on the donkey, and admired our lovely painting of the president-elect. I found the new painting amusing, and teased our art teacher about the fact that this was my third international day and the first time she'd ever painted a picture of the president. Where was her Bush portrait I wondered? She just laughed...No questions about who she voted for!

Proud americans

Lots of love too all of you, and take care!
love, Meghan